ELCA to Change Name

Satire News Service (SNS) - According to unnamed sources, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America plans on changing its name after recent outrage over the mainline denomination’s racist post of a Bible verse.

On February 11, the ELCA apologized:

Dear siblings in Christ, 

We have been paying very close attention to the conversation created by this post. Thank you all who have voiced your experiences and concerns regarding the language used.

The verse shared here comes from last week’s lectionary readings. As themes of darkness and light will appear again in lectionary readings later in Lent, we have chosen to leave this post and its discussion here so that it can inspire deeper conversation and reflection as we prepare for the season ahead.

We apologize that the language in this post has caused harm, and we recognize that this image can be a painful reminder of the harmful power dynamics, racism and inequity that exist in this church. It is our responsibility to be intentional in our use of images and language. We are committed to this work, and we are committed to learning from our mistakes.


This was in response to the offensive lamp graphic (seen above) with the racist words of the privileged apostle John as recorded in 1 John 1:5.  This is especially egregious, as these words are from the classist King James Version, using sexist and gendered language for the Deity. 

This horrific institutional insensitivity has led to much introspection in the left-leaning Chicago-based denomination. 

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a highly placed executive in ELCA leadership said, “I feel like the problem is that we are too white.  I mean, come on, Luther?  A German?  Writing theses in Latin?  Focus groups indicate that this narrative doesn’t connect with our target demographic, especially among left-handed Norwegians whose last names have an odd number of letters.  Our brand needed a refreshing, one that would re-imagine Luther without the whiteness, maleness, and educatedness.  I feel like we need a Luther of Color and a conversation about how unsafe minorities and women feel when confronted by toxic masculine European languages like German and Latin.  We need a Luther who is more in tune with his feminine side and/or non-gender-conformingness.  We began a hashtag campaign called “#LutherSoWhite.”

When asked about what the ELCA would do now, our source revealed that the brand-refreshing would include a name-change. 

“We feel like as a church, we need to be more welcoming to the Other.  For far too long, non-Christians have been marginalized, denied communion, denied the pulpit, and denied the right to serve at our altars.  This is unacceptable, and must change.  We want to be a safe, welcoming space for those who do not believe the Bible, as well as those who have been vilified and demonized by historical Christian texts.  One of the most ostracized of all, the one most demonized by the white male hegemony of the church of the last five hundred years, is Satan.  We feel like it’s time to stop the marginalization and to be more loving.

Our source continued, “We decided to change our name to the Evangelical Luciferian Church in America,” so that we could keep the iconic ELCA logo, while creating a safe space for those whose voices have been silenced by so-called Christian orthodoxy.  We feel like this is a win-win for our church and for all people of faith.  We also feel like this will attract a lot of important Luciferian celebrities, encourage ongoing goddess-worship, as well as show our support for Planned Parenthood.”

We do not know the time-frame of the new branding, nor whether or not the church body’s recognizable round earth trademark will also include a pentagram.

A More Welcoming and Inclusive ELCA

Free Congregations Matter Paper Dolls!

Thanks, Congregations Madder®™! They sent me these full color paper dolls of these two guys “Dave” and “Tim” dressed up in their Thrivent®™ salesmen suits. “Coffee is for closers only!”

This sounds like a great Sunday School activity:

• Let’s see what they look like actually dressed up as pastors!
• Or maybe with great big bishops’ miters!
• Or rocking a wife-beater with an inked-up gun-show like Nadia Bolz Weber!
• Or maybe like hipster pastors with the beard, flannel shirt, and knit cap on the head!
• Let’s put one in a red bandana, and the other in blue, and have a rumble!
• How about we give them mustaches and banjos?
• Better yet, I need a Matt Harrison doll and we can do an 8th Commandment Punch and Judy show!

Thanks again, CM! Don’t close down that Pak n Ship account just yet (2430 Vanderbilt Beach Rd. “Suite” 412 😂 wink, wink), Naples, Florida 34109)!

Keep the fun coming!

Nullification Picking Up Steam, Zombies Unhappy

On nullification, 44% pro, 36% con, 20% undecided.  Details here.

Zombies are still not convinced...




But they are funny in their own brain-dead sort of way...



'via Blog this'

Do They Own Us and Our Children?

The above comedy video by Christian humorist Tim Hawkins is a self-parody of homeschooling. There is some truth in this little video, though (like all good humor) it is exaggerated and blended with stereotypes and misconceptions.

A relative recently decided to start homeschooling, and found out the snarky attitude of some of the establishment, one of whom told her that she "needed permission" to do it.  Now, in her locale, this permission consists of basically notifying the government with a simple letter.

This is basically the case in Louisiana - which is quite a homeschool-friendly state. Nevertheless, the fact that one has to petition the state to homeschool one's children does raise the question: "Why?" What is it any business of a bureaucrat - be it in Baton Rouge, Washington, or Geneva? Why should we seek their permission - especially considering the track record of a lot of these government schools (some of which allow children free access to contraception without parental notification, many of which allow for pseudo-religious indoctrination which may run contrary to the parents' religion, not to mention the foisting of a political point of view at odds with those of many people who do not agree with the dominant views of many in the educational establishment)?

So why should parents seek permission from the state? Why should it not be the other way around? Does the state own our children?  Does the state own us?

Why shouldn't the default position be that the parents have the right to educate their children as they see fit, and that the state should seek permission to indoctrinate the children? Or as member of the European parliament Nigel Farage famously challenged his power-grubbing "colleagues" in Strasbourg: "Just who the hell do you people think you are?"

The more people start asking these fundamental questions, the more people realize that the state has long since overstepped its bounds, that the servant now presumes to be the master, that the Frankenstein Monster is running amok and the constitutional chains that were designed to keep him in tow have been snapped like balsa wood, and that it doesn't matter whether the state is a democracy, a republic, a monarchy, or a dictatorship, it is wrong for any agency to presume to tell parents how to raise their children.  And if the state's wings were not still somewhat clipped as they are here, we would have a system like Germany and Sweden where homeschooling has been basically criminalized, and children have been taken away from their parents!  Think about that, dear reader, children have been taken away from their loving parents and placed into foster homes because the parents were homeschooling their children.  We are not talking about beating them or starving them, but educating them.

Their real "crime" is showing the inferiority of the bureaucratic John Dewey progressive model of "education" as well as taking the (God-given) liberty of handing down their own moral and political views.  In unbridled statist models of society, the state is omnipotent over the individual.  There are some in American capital cities and capitol domes who lust after such power to dominate.

But in the final analysis, who does a better job, the government (with its mercenary armies of paid bureaucrats pulling the strings with money and regulations in the luxury of marbled domed edifices)?  Or parents themselves, who love their children, sacrifice for their well-being, and who have a moral and natural right to teach their values to their children?  And by what authority does the state claim authority to lord over the parent-child relationship?  Just who do they think they are?

Homeschool families often get to see these questions in action, not merely presented as theoretical poly-sci premises for academic discussion, but rather up close and personal in the very real world.

Maybe that's why Tim Hawkins also made this video:

This Just In from the Holy COW (Commission on Worship)

Extra satire when you understand the Latin chant: "Dona eis requiem" ("Grant us peace").

Jesus, Rubrics, Football, and Intellectual Property

IP violations at 3:37 and 4:24?

I just read an intriguing essay on so-called intellectual property by Jeffrey Tucker ("A Book That Changes Everything" - from his collection of essays Bourbon for Breakfast: Living Outside the Statist Quo) in which he recommends a seminal book (Against Intellectual Monopoly) on the topic.

This is a timely issue in this day and age of digital reproduction.  Is copying theft?

And what about patents and trademarks, not only of words, but of gestures?

How is it that a young professional athlete can drop to a knee on the football field to pray can now "copyright" an ancient gesture of submission to God?  What kind of a crazy world do we live in?  The athlete has now registered his name with the United States government as a synonym with the gesture that theoretically means he can demand royalties for it.  Now, I understand that the trademarked rubric is not mere genuflection (as done above in this clip from my first Mass (when You Know Who - are we allowed to say his name? - was barely old enough to drive) at 3:37 and again at 4:24 at the high altar of the magnificent Historic Zion Evangelical Lutheran Church in Fort Wayne, Indiana), but also involves touching the forehead.  Fair enough, but I routinely do that when I kneel at my own ad orientem altar at Salem Evangelical Lutheran Church in Gretna - as the height of the altar makes it happen sometimes without my even thinking about it.  Should I be thinking about a football player instead of Jesus when I genuflect?

I hope this young millionaire athlete doesn't come after me, my Church, or the Lord Jesus Christ for royalties, or sue us for breaking some kind of federal writ of IP.  Of course, this young man could become the world's richest man if he gets a few shekels every time someone reads Phil 2:10.  And how many other Christian liturgical gestures can be copyrighted by sportsmen?  Doesn't judo involve bowing?  Don't hockey players sometime cross themselves when they hit the ice?  And what about a water polo Ave Maria?

For the record (and may I say "after further review"?), I don't plan on changing the rubric of the Western Mass for the sake of anyone - not even someone as remarkable as a Really Important Football Player with the full weight of the federal law (here all may genuflect) of the USA and the bureaucracy of the NFL behind him.  

So, could I just...

I'm getting a lot of requests for baptisms lately.

But it's not necessarily good news.

Just today, I got a call from a guy who lives about an hour away and would like his children "christened" at Salem Lutheran Church  "Christened."  That's always the first clue.  He said the name of his home church quickly, and then explained that his parents live in the area and that it would be most convenient to "just do it there."  So, could I just do the baptism?

I slowed him down and found out that he belongs to a Presbyterian church.  I told him that we do have Presbyterian churches in the area and that it would be best to find out which one is in fellowship with his church.  He insisted that Salem Lutheran would be more convenient, and that Lutheran and Presbyterian is really the same thing anyway.  So, could I just do the baptism?

I explained to him that Lutherans and Presbyterians do have some fundamental differences.  I briefly explained, for example, the difference between our views on the Eucharist.  He said that he was christened a Catholic and had no problem with our view of the Sacrament.  So, could I just do the baptism?

I recommended that he find a church that believes the way he believes.  I asked him which denomination of Presbyterian his church belonged to.  He didn't know.  He explained that did not pick that church based on belief, but based on the fact that they are convenient and have a really good school.  Belief really isn't the issue.  So, could I just do the baptism?

I explained that if I were to baptize his children, they would be under my pastoral care.  They would be Lutherans.  He replied that this would be fine with him.  He would have no problem being a Lutheran.  He didn't know what Lutherans believe, but he was certain that he would be fine with it.  But he really likes to go to the Presbyterian church because it's so convenient. And they have a really good school.  So, could I just do the baptism?

I felt like I was stuck in one of those Rev. Hans Fiene Lutheran Satire cartoons complete with the monotone computer voices, circular reasoning, the astonished silent blinking pastor, and Offenbach's Can Can music.

So, could I just do the baptism?

Ten Ways to Destroy the Imagination of your Child

Here is a great piece about books, children, and education from Memoria Press.  It's actually a teaser for a book of the same name by Anthony Esolen, an English professor (and translator of classical works) at Providence College, and one of the editors of Touchstone.

The link doesn't provide the actual Big Ten, so I will provide them here.  I have not read Dr. Esolen's book, but I like what I'm reading so far.

10 Sure Ways to Destroy the Imagination of Your Child

1. Keep Your Children Indoors as Much as Possible or They Used to Call It "Air"
2. Never Leave Children to Themselves or If Only We Had a Committee
3. Keep Children Away from Machines and Machinists or All Unauthorized Personnel Prohibited
4. Replace the Fairy Tale with Political Cliches and Fads or Vote Early and Often
5. Cast Aspersions Upon the Heroic and Patriotic or We Are All Traitors Now
6. Cut All Heroes Down to Size or Pottering With the Puny
7. Reduce All Talk of Love to Narcissism and Sex
8. Level Distinctions Between Man and Woman or Spay and Geld
9. Distract the Child with the Shallow and Unreal or The Kingdom of Noise
10. Deny the Transcendent or Fix Above the Heads of Men the Lowest Ceiling of All

Lutheran Satire

Funny stuff! More can be found here. And to answer the question of "some people," no, I am not Hans Fiene and no, I didn't write this. :-)

The Mega-Church Bus

HT to my buddy Greg over at Our Holy Cause, who snagged this from The Sacred Sandwich.

I especially like the "landing strip for the pastor's jet" - a very practical feature for the $ucce$$ful Louisiana pastor.

An Honest Political Ad (Finally!)

"I'm Father Hollywood, and I approved this message..."

HT: Lew Rockwell

Some don't approve, but...

...having a laugh at the expense of pompous, fascist, centrally-planning, murderous politicians is just so much fun.

HT: my father-in-law Martin Fonda

Taxman

For your April 15th Goodfellas Day festivities, an updated version of the Beatles' classic "Taxman" (and here are the words if you don't know them, and here is a version with some new words performed live by George Harrison and Eric Clapton).

d'Etat's Inferno - No target is off limits

An old Krewe d'Etat float mocking Katrina looters

Le Krewe d'etat really outdid themselves this year in their no-holds barred satire in their February 12 parade. Here are their pictures.

All I can say is that it's a good thing the riders are completely masked - as they openly target the powerful and mighty in New Orleans, Louisiana, and the United States - with absolute fearless comedic and satirical abandon. The theme this year was "d'Etat's Inferno" - and the criticism was as harsh (and funny) as Dante's.

And you just can't beat their Latin motto: "Vivite ut vehatis, vehite ut vivatis" ("Live to ride, ride to live").

Some highlights:

• A float depicting outgoing New Orleans mayor Ray Nagan "asleep at the wheel" - with reminders of the various scandals, his extensive international travel on the taxpayers' dime, and various stupid remarks he has made in the last eight years.
• A float making fun of the local burlesque personality Chris Owens and other celebrities who have been surgically reconstructed (such as Joan Rivers, Cher, and Dolly Parton), complete with warnings that they may melt in the heat.
• A tribute to Bernie Madoff, whose Ponzi pyramid scheme ripped people off of billions of dollars.
• A float in honor of ACORN, (The Root of All Evil) - which the Krewe claims stands for A Corrupt Organization Run by Nitwits. There were references to pimping, prostitution, and voter fraud- as well as lots of ripped off taxpayers. Classic!
• The Dancin' Dilibertos (in honor of the late Saints broadcaster who said that if the Saints ever won the super bowl, he would wear a dress). After all, what New Orleans parade would be complete without guys in dresses?
  
• Of course, Tiger Woods was on display, complete with "score cards" listing his girlfriends' names, a depiction of Elin whacking him with a club, and his sponsors being crossed off one at a time (but with the addition of "Trojan"). Harsh!
• Then there was the Hypocrites Club featuring senator David Vitter in his underwear holding a "service menu." Ouch. Also featured: governor Sanford of South Carolina and his Argentine mistress, and senator John Edwards and his "love child" - portrayed to look exactly like the perfectly coifed narcissistic former senator in grotesque miniature. The float also read: "Politicians gone wild."
• There was a float poking fun at all of the tasteless Viagra and Cialis commercials, including a huge prescription bottle some funny names of a fictional doctor and patient. There is also a warning about calling your doctor after four hours and cartoons of randy old folks in bathtubs - not to mention the ubiquitous list of side-effects - including "big smiles."
• There was a tribute to Barack Obama's "Nobel Prize" - including fantasies about him winning the Heisman, the Oscar, the Masters, and becoming the CEO of GM.
• One of the most delightfully distasteful involved a local crook (sorry to be triple-redundant), a contractor in the Nagin Administration Craig Meffert. He is depicted as a severed talking head (the ax-man was U.S. prosecutor Jim Letton, a local hero) with an extensive list of all the criminal acts and scandals (money laundering, tax fraud, kickbacks, conspiracy, wire fraud, etc. and no use of the word "alleged" in sight) - including sending the mayor to Hawaii for an ethically-challenged paid vacation.
  
• There was also a spoof of the recent mayoral elections showing a multi-headed monster of candidates (Anybody But Nagin).
• More spoofs of Nagin - "C. Ray's Magical Illusions" - showing the many broken promises of the mayor.
  
• One of the most biting spoofed outgoing New Orleans chief of police Warren Riley, depicting him as a forked-tongue lying serpent. The float reminded us of the hallmarks of Riley's administration: guns, drugs, missing evidence, shoddy reports, etc.
• Of course, Mose and (former U.S. senator) Bill Jefferson were depicted as a two headed monster- along with their entire family - in prison garb.
  
• And, clearly demonstrating that there are no "sacred cows," even a mockery of the greed of Saints' owner Tom Benson.

Like I said, it's a good thing these riders are masked. Gadzooks!

17 Revisions of Ugly

not the proposed condos, but not that far off either...

Overall, our local government in Gretna does a good job of running our small city. But I think they caved with this latest vote. Was there ever really any doubt?

I like the idea of upscale condos going up in our neighborhood (this building will be just around the corner from my home and our church). However, one would think after being sent back to the drawing board 17 times the developers would get the idea - it's ugly.

The design looks more like an East German prison complex than Gretna homes in the historic district. I mean, how difficult would it be to make something beautiful, something that fits in with the area rather than plunking down an ugly, industrial looking slab of bricks that could serve as a strip mall in Suburban Anyville, USA?

In the end, the lure of tax revenue won the day, as did ugliness. Did I mention that the proposed building is ugly, hideous, wretched, devoid of charm, generic, and, well, ugly?

But I'm going to look on the bright side. Maybe people will actually spend half a million dollars to live in an ugly (did I mention the ugliness?) neo-gulag home. Like I said, I'm all for gentrification. I would ask anyone on a boat along the Mississippi River to look away from Gretna when you pass. I would appreciate it. And I suppose I'll just have to turn away when I'm on the bike trail at the levee. Unless, of course, the City Council will be providing vomit stations along the path. Preferably every ten feet. And think of the jobs this will create in professional bodily fluid cleanup!

I do have some positive ideas, like putting up a concrete wall around the complex for people to write graffiti slogans about liberty - especially if they were in German, as that would highlight Gretna's Teutonic heritage. The City could also do like Pravda in the French Quarter, and put together a whole Soviet Chic thing. And I suppose the ugliness will make the rest of our homes look a notch better by comparison. I'm willing to see the glass half-full. Of what, I'm not sure...

And, as a bonus, if things don't work out, the building will be just a stone's throw from both the Jefferson Parish Court House and the Gretna City Hall. Converting the complex into a prison will be a cinch - just add barbed wire - and maybe a machine gun turret or two.

This will really be convenient for our politicians, who can combine their customary high-style condo living with prison life - you know, for guys like U.S. Rep. Bill Jefferson, Louisiana Sen. Derrick Shepherd, and our own Gretna hometown hero, Gretna Councilman Jonathan Bolar (who was actually absent for the unanimous vote to proceed with the uglification (did I mention the "ugly" thing?). And if we need representation from the Executive Branch, we could always work out a transfer for our incarcerated governor, Edwin Edwards. And if you really think about it, prison and politicians go together here like red beans and rice.

Maybe the ugly condo isn't so out of place here after all!

Rated "M" for "Madness"

The rating for the film Avatar reads as follows:

"Rated PG-13 for intense epic battle sequences and warfare, sensuality, language and some smoking."

Smoking.

Yeah, we were okay bringing our little guy to see the "epic battle scenes and warfare," and the "sensuality." But that "smoking" thing was a deal breaker. What kind of parents do they think we are, anyway? I mean, this whole "smoking" thing could give the kid nightmares - if not turn him into a crackhead before the credits roll. Thank God for that tip-off! Whew, that was a close one!

I predict that in a few years, we will see such ratings as these:

• "Rated R for explicit sexuality, severed human heads, and a scene of donut consumption."
• "Rated PG for cartoon violence, implied sensuality, and prayer."
• "Rated PG-13 for disturbing scenes of graphic violence, language, and historic footage of a parking lot without handicapped spaces."
• "Rated NC-17 for mild language and advocacy of a return to the gold standard."

Well, on the bright side, given the way things are going, Alice in Wonderland will soon be re-released as a documentary.

Vsevolad. Yeah. Whaaat's happening? Yeah. I'm gonna have to ask you...

... to use the new cover sheet on your TPS reports. Did you get that memo? Yeaaaah.

This is no joke. This is what goes on in the bureaucracy of the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, otherwise known as Initech. I mean, really. "Partner churches" vs. "sister churches"? Is it really too much to ask churchmen to use churchly vocabulary? And are the suits really that eager to use the word "partner" in the current ecclesiastical climate? Before they know it, they'll have Gene "The Bish Is Back" Robinson sashaying into the Lavendar Palace looking for one of those big-buck office jobs.

Do you guys even hear yourselves? Maybe it's time to get back to the parish. Then again, maybe that's not such a hot idea.

And here is a little detail that may have gotten lost in the shuffle: we are already in fellowship with Lutheran churches that are themselves in fellowship with the SELC. Did anyone get that memo?

Of course, nobody will be able to give one single theological or doctrinal reason why we are not in official altar and pulpit fellowship right now with this faithful Lutheran church body that is contending for the Gospel and has had close ties to the LCMS for many years. And if you can, fellas, feel free to weigh in. Instead we are getting a bunch of doublespeak. Actually, there is a theological term for it. It's German and rhymes with "edelweiss" - but only has one syllable and starts with the letter "s."

The good news is that the Russians are used to all the foibles of bureaucracy and politics. Hopefully, they won't have to wait 70 years for this "iron curtain" to fall. But can you just imagine the jokes they tell in Novosibirsk about the Purple Palace? It's almost enough to make one want to learn Russian.

Altar and Pulpit fellowship for Siberia now, Lumbergh! And give me my red Swingline stapler back!

The Rev. Dr. Bill Lumbergh?

HT: The Rev. Jeff Hemmer in his Hemmersphere blog.

Is This Good For The Company?

Now, but not yet...

"Now" (Jefferson) is on the right, "Not yet" (Nagin) is on the left. "Life" is the magazine, it is not a prison sentence, though it is tempting...

Yesterday's front page of the New Orleans Times Picayune was devoted to crime. That's not news. But this was apparently a special crooked politician (sorry to be redundant) issue. Sorry to be redundantly redundant, but we're talking about two crooked Louisiana politicians. Republicans might find it further redundantly redundant in that these are two crooked Louisiana Democratic politicians, but thanks to the GOP's own "family values" Senator David Vitter, they are quickly running out of stones to throw across the aisle.

Anyway, first the "Now":

Dollar Bill Jefferson, the Congressman who was discovered with $90k in bribe money in the freezer has been sentenced to 13 years. His defense, interestingly, was that his bribery was a private matter, unrelated to his status as a Congressman, and was, therefore, not a crime. I guess this was the "honorable explanation" he was promising before his trial.

And here is the "not yet":

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has been globetrotting on the public dime. Check out the map! As the prosecutions get closer up the ladder of government in the City of New Orleans, Ray would be smart to be scoping out places to seek asylum. He might also want to make sure his freezer only has ice cream in it, hopefully Dollar Bill has coached him on this.

And, since Dollar Bill is out on bond pending appeal, maybe he and Ray will both be sipping margaritas on foreign soil together. They could take in a Roman Polanski film together or something.

Letting these two crooks flee the country might be a better solution than having the public pay even more in order to incarcerate them. Besides, the other people in prison have enough bad role models.

Baloon Boy: History Repeats Itself ?

It looks like a similar incident happened in WW2 era Germany. ;-)

HT: Martin Fonda