Tuesday, June 24, 2008


A neighbor lady gave Mrs. H. ten issues of "Women's World" magazines. Now, maybe I'm drawing too facile a conclusion, but see if you're thinking what I'm thinking...

The Sept 4, 2007 issue's big headline reads: "Breakthrough Harvard research! Easiest-ever way to LOSE 7 lbs A WEEK!" Also on the cover are three beautiful tall glasses and the headline: "Yummiest milkshakes! Surprise flavors!"

Next up, November 27, 2007. Main headline: "LOSE 27 lbs by Christmas! Cornell University calorie-cycling trick" Also on the cover: two scrumptious-looking cupcakes and the headline: "Cupcake magic!" (Now, in fairness, these are "Diet friendly! Surprise! Made from holiday leftovers!" cupcakes.) Also, a fully-decorated gingerbread house, covered with gooey candy and white icing, under the headline: "Chocolate Chip Cookie House!"

Moving right along to December 4, 2007. Main headline: "Lose 5 lbs this week eating breakthrough new FAT-BURNING PASTA!" Secondary headlines include a salad that prevents arthritis and "brain yoga" to address health problems. Also on the cover: marshmallow-laden Rice Krispy squares and a white cake covered with strawberries and Oreos along with the headline: "Too busy to cook? Almost-instant treats." Also, a decorated cookie and the headline: "Cookie magic!"

OK, now we're getting really close to Christmas, December 24, 2007. Headline: "YOU, HOLIDAY GORGEOUS!" Also, secondary headlines about "beating carb cravings," stress, back aches, "Snacks that Lower your cholesterol 25%!", vitamins to relieve fatigue, and foods that "Prevent aging!" Pictures: a candy-coated Christmas tree confection, a white cake (also candy-covered), and two candy-laden green-iced cupcakes, covered by the headline: "Cute! Fast! Easy!" (And, I hope that headline refers to the desserts rather than the woman on the cover...)

OK, so Christmas is over, it's the December 31, 2007 issue. Headline: "Make this your slim-at-last year! 2008 Diet Breakthroughs!" Secondary headlines include: "Shoes and bags that make you Look pounds thinner!", a TV channel that can help with stress, and a "snack that PREVENTS HEART ATTACK, STROKE and DIABETES!" Also on the cover: a cake shaped like a champaigne bottle and the ubiquitous cupcake (uh, the dessert, not the girl). Headline: "Toast 2008! No bake Champaigne cake! Easy celebration treats!"

Now that the new year has arrived, it's time to get down to business. January 14, 2008, main headline: "Are your hormones making you fat?" Secondary headlines include: "Quick tricks for A flatter tummy!" and a tea that will "Burn fat faster! Prevent cancer! Strengthen your bones!" Also on the cover: a delicious looking pie covered in whipped cream and fruit, with the headline: "Yummy! Extra-easy cream pies."

On to January 21, 2008. Headline: "Secrets from America's hottest diet club!" Also on the cover: a chocolate and pretzel pie covered in marshmallows and drizzled in chocolate syrup, with the headline: "Love pretzels and chips? You'll crave these recipes." And, two cups of cocoa, one with what seems to be mint chocolate chip ice cream and the other with a cookie and chocolate soft-serve on top, with the headline: Most delicious-ever hot chocolate!" (This is under another, smaller cover story: "Jeans that will give you A perfect body!")

Next, January 28, 2008. Here we go, headline: "Extra-filling! Metabolism boosting! The breakfast that makes women SLIM!" Secondary headlines include: "Surprising new SUPERFOODS to... Boost your energy! Cure insomnia! Kiss stress goodbye!" and "Coughing? Why you need more CHOCOLATE!" Also on the cover: a key-lime cake/pie confection piled high with whipped cream, raspberries, and limes, and a yellow cake iced in white that seems to have nuts of some type inside, with the headline: "Sunshine treats!"

February 11, 2008, main headline: "BREAKTHROUGH MAYO CLINIC RESEARCH! MELT OFF 44 lbs with the easiest exercise ever!" (Also secondary headlines about boosting energy, dealing with stress, lowering blood pressure, and stopping headaches, and how to "BURN 335 CALORIES AN HOUR!" while watching TV or looking at e-mail). And what else? We've got an assortment of lollipops, cookies, and chocolate truffles (Valentine's Day themed) and the headline "We [heart] chocolate!"

Okay, is it just my imagination, or are you thinking what I'm thinking you're thinking that I'm thinking?

I think it's time for a snack...

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