"Let them eat what we tell them to eat"

This is like Marie Antoinette making a plea for low-fat cakes to be served to the hoi-polloi. I don't know about any of you, but not once did I try to tell Mrs. Obama what to eat when she was blasting through hundreds of thousands of dollars of money that was confiscated from us while she was irresponsibly jet-setting and hobnobbing in Spain. What a disgrace!

You know, there was a time when the American people would have told her - and her husband - to mind their own business.

Fortunately, we may going back to the future.

You are being ripped off...

...if you are paid in U.S. dollars.

Ever since the creation of the Federal Reserve system in 1913, a collusion between private bankers and the federal government have been siphoning off (i.e. "stealing") your hard-earned money. This is worse than traditional taxation because it is largely unseen and it cannot be approved or repealed by vote. It's like an economic version of radon gas poisoning. It is the sneakiest of all "taxation without representation" schemes. Our founders - especially Jefferson - actually warned us about it (unbacked "paper currency"), as it was used to fund the American Revolution and nearly caused the early economy to collapse from the get-go. Subsequent dalliances with central banking all ended in failure. The Fed is just the latest incarnation of the scam.

The government is indeed stealing from us.

Do you think this is an exaggeration? Click here for a tool that converts the value of the U.S. dollar in any given year into the currency of any other given year. Notice that the value of your money always decreases over time; it never increases. There is a built-in and expected depreciation (inflation) that we have come to expect as normal. But it isn't "normal." Do the math with your own income. You can clearly see that what you think is a "raise" may well actually be a reduction in your salary. The fact that you make many thousands of dollars more now than you might have a decade ago only masks the fact that it's all smoke and mirrors. Given this reality, does it make more sense for people to save and invest, or rather to borrow and spend?

Yeah.

And imagine how hard it would be to make decisions regarding buying and selling goods and services if the units of measure - such as pounds, gallons, square feet, yards, and liters - were reduced in size over time. It makes capital investment decisions a crap-shoot - as a boom or bust could be just around the corner. In the ancient world, dishonest scales were so common that in several places Scripture denounces the practice as an abomination.

Furthermore, imagine if someone were allowed to "skim" the difference for themselves. And imagine further if it were actually illegal to audit the secretive institution that runs the whole thing. Imagine if the central bank, answerable to no-one, could make secret loans of billions of dollars to anyone it chooses - loaning "money" that doesn't even exist! That's the situation in the United States today.

Is it any wonder we are in such a mess?

The difficulty in gaging the "signals" of the market, thanks to this manipulation of the currency (especially when new "dollars" are being created out of nothing by the Fed and being loaned out at interest, which drives this constant devaluation of our currency), leads directly to the boom and bust cycle and to financial "bubbles" (which brought us the Roaring Twenties followed by the Great Depression, which began less than a decade after the creation of the Fed).

We're now about a hundred years out, and our dollar is today worth less than a nickel, all the precious metals have been removed from our circulating coins (beginning in 1964), the last link to the gold standard has been abolished (1971), our government actually mints a gold coin whose "face value" is $50 but whose actual market worth is about $1,200, and the United States is now so far in debt that mainstream economists are now talking about the dollar going into default. Our savings rate is lower than it ever has been, so low, in fact, that it is statistically less than zero! And is it any wonder? What is the incentive to save money for later if it depreciates? And thanks to the artificially low interest rate (especially combined with banking fees), why should anyone have a savings account?

Once again, this little application will show you exactly why this is happening.

It is time to end the Fed. In fact, righting this wrong is long overdue. But at least now people are openly talking about it. Sadly, most in our current political class and journalistic establishment (including "conservative" talk radio), with very few exceptions, would rather yammer on about about more lurid and emotional issues that ultimately have nothing to do with the collapse of our civilization. The Fed is destroying us at home and weakening our position in the world. It explains the deficit, the trade imbalance, and unemployment. It is statistically impossible for the scam to continue forever. This is why folks around the world who used to trust the dollar for their own savings are getting rid of them and looking for more honest forms of saving. The dollar is a ripoff, and our own elected officials are literally robbing and plundering us. They are killing the goose that laid the golden egg - only know, the "golden" egg is made of paper mache with a cheap coat of paint.

I hope our people wake up soon.

The Mega-Church Bus

HT to my buddy Greg over at Our Holy Cause, who snagged this from The Sacred Sandwich.

I especially like the "landing strip for the pastor's jet" - a very practical feature for the $ucce$$ful Louisiana pastor.

Crooked Theology

So, according to the Rt. Rich Rev. Duplanti$, living things cannot be "brought," God is not omniscient, Adam (not God) gave life to all of the animals, and then filled in God's ignorance about creation with his own superior knowledge. The amazing thing is that people (and not just a few) actually believe this nonsense! And shame on Duplantis for exploiting them. It is this kind of person that gives creationism a bad name and furthers the work of Satan in turning the world against the Church and the Scriptures.

If he doesn't repent, he had better hope he's right about man's ability to give life and God's impotence. Pro-tip: There are no private jets in hell.

This is how governments steal from us

Here is an open and brazen example of how governments steal from the people.

Hugo Chavez is, of course, an open and unrepentant Marxist dictator. But at least he's honest and up front about it. All governments around the world that have replaced hard currency with paper money (and that would be all governments around the world...) are actually doing the same thing, only more gradually.

Chavez is devaluing the Venezuelan bolivar in one fell swoop. This is a way of literally stealing from the pockets of the people. The United States has been doing the same thing, albeit gradually, to the U.S. dollar since 1913 with the establishment of the Federal Reserve. The "Fed" enables reckless government spending by giving the federal government an endless source of "money" in the form of paper with numbers printed on it - a "money" monopoly of Monopoly "money"! The Fed itself is conveniently rewarded with exemption from any and all audits and Congressional oversight. It is the ultimate sweetheart deal in which Congress accepts dirty money (made legal tender by force of law) and asks no questions. The Fed gives Congress (and Wall Street bankers) access to the printing press, and, of course, gets a cut for itself and its executives - all with no danger of being audited, that is, until now.

The Fed also causes the boom-bust business cycle by artificially deflating the interest rate, encouraging banks, businesses, and private consumers to borrow excessively (based on false market signals), encouraging a culture of malinvestment, debt and impulsive consumer spending, while at the same time discouraging thrift and savings. We Americans often ride a crest of "prosperity" (which is nothing more than running up the national credit card to the max) only to fall into "unexpected" economic disasters - which the political parties blame on each other. It is a great game of hot potato, and whichever party is in office when the bubble randomly bursts is blamed for the mess - when both have always been to blame.

The result has been the devaluation of the dollar to the tune of some 95% (yes, 95%!) - although it has taken nearly a century to do it. The recent bailouts have even spurred further and faster dollar devaluation.

The "inflation rate" - which we have been conditioned to accept as normal - even in "good" years is 2 or 3 per cent (and this is the "official" number provided by the government). This is Marxist theft just as surely (though certainly more slowly and less brazenly) as it is when Chavez does it.

The Fed, which is actually a form of a central bank (which, by the way, is one of the ten planks of Marx's Communist Manifesto), will not be able to keep the pyramid scheme going indefinitely. All bubbles eventually burst, and what goes up must come down. The danger of this economic slight-of-hand was exposed by the late great Nobel prize-winning economist Ludwig von Mises.

The Ludwig von Mises Institute is dedicated to educating the public about economics from the perspective of sound principles of reality - not promises and spin shoveled at us by Marxists, both here and abroad.

It's time to hold our politicians' feet to the fire - of both parties. I do believe the current economic malaise is going to prove to be the endgame of the national prosperity of the U.S. - unless we act quickly to pull the plug on Washington's and Wall Street's theft and replace compulsory devaluation with sound money. We can only do that by educating ourselves.

Unfortunately, you will not learn this from talk radio and partisan entertainers on either side of the political spectrum, nor from bestselling books from people who make a living by being rude and crude. Somewhere along the line, conservatism has lost its reputation of being based on intelligence and sound reason, instead having taken on the air of a professional wrestling match or monster truck rally. The good news is that true conservatism is not dead, and there is a lot of thoughtful and serious economic resources available on the World Wide Web.

Lew Rockwell is a good place to check day to day to understand the nature of the current economic picture, how government steals from us, and what we should be doing about it down the road for the sake of future generations.

I have won even more money...

Dear Mr. Benham:

Thank you so much for notifying me by e-mail:

You won £850,000.00 GBP in Google new year promotion. Ticket
number:00869575733664,CGPN:7-22-71-00-66-
12,Serial,numbers:BTD/8070447706/06,Lucky numbers:12-12-23-35-40-41(12).
For more info, For more info contact Mr Graham Benfield e-mail: benham.promotion2009@gmail.com.

I do appreciate your taking the time and effort. But frankly, I have won so much money in similar e-mail sweepstakes - and considerably more, I might add, in the millions of pounds sterling, euros, and American dollars - that this sum of £850,000.00 is just not even worth my while to cash. And being a clergyman, these kinds of winnings tend to complicate my tax returns - and so it is my policy not to accept any winnings unless they are at least a million pounds or the equivalent in euros. And, no offense, but I really would prefer payment in gold given the current state of affairs of the world's central-bank-based bubble economy.

However, if you would like to sweeten the pot to seven figures, I would take upon myself the burden of managing this sum of money, otherwise, please feel free to pass along my winnings to someone else.

Cordially,

Father Hollywood

I won again!

I cannot believe my good fortune! Once again, I have hit the jackpot. This time, I won £750.000.00 courtesy of Toyota Online Program. They want me to reply with my "Name,Address,Sex/Tel,Country."

In good conscience, I have won so many of these in the past that I just wouldn't feel right taking this money. There must be so many others out there who have not had the thrill of winning hundreds of thousands, or even millions of pounds, euros, and dollars as I have. So I would like to offer my winnings to anyone who would like to have them.

In fact, the U.S. Government is broke, so maybe I should send them President Obama's address and phone number so he can use it to pay down the deficit and cut taxes.

Maybe some FH readers have some ideas as to who should receive this money.

BTW, the e-mail came from Mrs. Rose Wood at hinsonerickay@frontiernet.net, and any reply sent to this e-mail goes to a different address, namely toyota.uk1@9.cn.

How thoughtful of Mrs. Wood!

Is there a special place in hell...

...for these kinds of false preachers? WWDS: What Would Dante Say?

The readings for Trinity 8 in the LSB one year series come to mind: Jer 23:16-29, Acts 20:27-38, Matt 7:15-23.

Cross-posted at Foreign Twenty. Feel free to comment there. Bring your checkbook...

What's With the Discover Card?

A couple times a week, I'm getting calls from Discover. They're driving me nuts!

We have a zero balance, so they've become stalkers. Yes, yes, I know about the "cash back" program. I also know how easy it would be to fall back into debt. I know the whole script by heart every time they call. I keep asking them to stop calling me, but nothing changes.

I'm tempted to stop answering the phone altogether unless I recognize the number. This is not such a great solution, as I do need to field emergency calls.

But there's no explaining this to the Discover Card people. Maybe I should cut the card up and send it back. Of course, then they'd probably start a new round of stalking, demanding to know why we "broke up" with them, asking for "one more chance," and promising us that they'll "give us more space" next time.

I could just start speaking French and act like I don't understand, or tell them I've just been elected the new president of Afghanistan, or maybe make up a story that I've just lost my job and plan on running up a bill that I can't repay, or some such. I could tell them I have to change phones and just never come back to answer it. I don't want to be mean, but after a while, aren't they kind-of obliged to back off?

Anybody have any good ideas?

Scam calls supposedly from 407-658-4336

For months, I have been getting calls from this number: 407-658-4336. It is a recording claiming that our auto warranty is about to expire.

Of course, this is an annoying scam.

Even though I'm on the no call registry, I keep getting these calls. I keep reporting it on the complaint hotline, but they have yet to send me anything at all regarding my numerous reports.

A couple times I played along to speak to a human. As soon as I raise the "do not call" registry issue, they promptly hang up. This also happens the moment I ask for what company they are calling from. BTW, the phone number on caller ID is a fraud.

I hope they catch these people, and if there is ever a class action lawsuit, I'm in. Meanwhile, I am sorely tempted to buy one of those air-horns in a can, get the human on the phone, and give them a blast.

In related news, I did also get a call recently from the Scientologists.

Now, that was an interesting call...

Modern-day Roman Catholic Simony

Noted blogger Dante Alighieri (1265-1321) conducting an interview with Pope Nicholas III (ca 1220-1280) from the latter's Eighth Circle of Hell office while doing some research about simony

There is nothing that unites Lutherans more than attacking the Roman Catholic Church. So, in the interest of Lutheran unity, here is a piece by Roman Catholic columnist Jeffrey Tucker that is critical of the Roman Catholic Church's use of copyright to limit access to liturgical texts.

Can you imagine that? Putting the ancient texts of the Church under copyright and limiting access to those texts to "paying customers"? "When the coin in the coffer rings..."

Goodness! Why, that would be like not letting parents write out the text of Luther's Small Catechism or make verbal recordings of it to teach their children the faith. That would be like making congregations buy licenses to reprint the ancient words of the Church's common liturgical treasure in their bulletins. In some cases, church bureaucrats could even use copyright laws to limit the access of congregations to materials they no longer publish, but refuse to release to the public domain in order to bully them into buying the new materials. Perhaps even bloggers who simply want to put the church's collects on their blogs will be contacted by papal henchmen with cease and orders from the Purple Pal..., er, I mean, the Vatican, and forced instead to use versions of other church bodies who have placed their translations into public domain.

Can you just imagine how vile that would be?

Why, next thing you know, someone will suggest that videotaping a church service is a copyright violation. Can you just imagine the ultimate act of Antichrist, say, the pope actually threatening legal action against a priest and a layman for, say, trademark infringement? So, all the good Lutherans out there who know being the first to throw stones at the pope is as Lutheran as lutefisk on Friday, well, here is your chance to take a few "pope-shots" at the modern practice of simony.

And if we get 95 comments, we can call them "Theses" and nail them to the church door (er, the Theses that is, not the bureaucrats).

[Note: I also published this at Gottesdienst Online, click here to join the discussion in that forum. +HW]

Anybody need $6.8M ?

Free to good home: $6,800,000.

I got the following e-mail...

Contact Smith Raymond for your (ATM Card)with a fund worth 6.8 Million Dollars has been accredited in your favor.Email: smithraymond09@gmail.com

...and I'm passing it along to all Father Hollywood readers who may be interested. Of course, being clergy, I'm subject to some pretty unusual IRS rules, and I'm sure that if I were to take this money, I would get bumped into a different tax bracket. Boy, that would really mess up my tax forms.

Besides, $6.8M just isn't what it used to be. These days, I don't even think that would buy Steve Austin a hip replacement.

But it sure is nice that so many kind people, like this Smith Raymond, write to me on a daily basis to make such offers. For some reason, g-mail has a tendency to sort them into a folder called "Spam" along with all kinds of offers for pharmaceutical products. These kinds of e-mails always renew my faith in the goodness of man, and quite frankly, make me wonder if St. Augustine and all that "original sin" stuff might be an exaggeration.

But please do post back here if you take the money, and let me know what you plan on doing with it!

War is peace...

...freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, and it's not a bailout, says Chrysler.

If they could make cars like they can sling you-know-what, they wouldn't need the non-bailout. If they invested wisely, spent money on R&D instead of slick marketing and instead of donating millions to the re-election campaigns of the same politicians who will now definitely be handing over billions of dollars of OPM, if they built a decent car, if they knew how to run a business - then they wouldn't need a slick marketing campaign to fleece the American people.

After my previous car died, we did our homework. The highest rated cars in the category we were interested in were Toyota and Honda - many of which are built in American plants by American workers. The American cars, for the most part, ranged from sub-par to outright junk. We went with the Toyota and are very happy. I've had exclusively American cars since 1981. Most of them were mediocre at best. The last one I was really happy with was my 1992 Saturn - which was made before GM took over Saturn. Our next two Saturns were simply inferior. None of my American cars could hold a candle to the quality of my Toyota (with the exception of the 1992 Saturn, which I got rid of only because it couldn't pass a government-mandated emissions test after 240,000 miles due to the fact that it was only running on three cylinders (!) - though even with that handicap, it was still holding up well. But like I said, that was a pre-GM Saturn, before the creativity and innovation were sucked out by the corporate vampires.

When you make junk, guess what? People don't want to buy it. No amount of Orwellian slogans, celebrity endorsements, scantily-clad women, or commercials shot in wide-angle with special effects will turn a rusty tin can into a gold ingot - which is to say, will turn a Chrysler into a Toyota or a Ford into a Honda.

Not enough people want to buy Chrysler's product. That's why they're failing! So what are we going to do? Force the American people through confiscatory taxation and/or inflation of the money supply and debt spending to reward Chysler's incompetence with billions of dollars plus the burden of having the government nationalize and run a business and engage in central economic planning. That's called Socialism - whether it is done by Democrats, Republicans, or both.

So, instead of allowing the old dinosaurs to fail and be replaced by upstart companies with new ideas, with an ear to the market, with the ability to allocate resources from the carcasses of the dying companies - we're going to prop up the Big Three like the main character from Weekend at Bernie's and try to revive the decaying corpse with a green blood transfusion. We're going to rob the hungry entrepreneur Peter to pay the bloated ne'er-do-well Paul. We're going to nationalize the out-of-date and out-of-touch industrial behemoth and try to turn it into a moneymaking operation, competitive with the leanest and meanest manufacturers run by the finest minds around the world - all using government bureaucrats to oversee it.

Yeah. That always works. Just ask the Soviet Union.

Prosperity is right around the corner, Comrades! Big Brother is watching!

Private Jet Panhandlers

Note to CEOs:

When you're going to Washington, DC to panhandle us for billions of dollars due to your mismanagement, don't take the private jets. It's kind of tacky. It makes you seem like nouveau riche "white trash."

Try to have a semblance of class, fellas! At very least, why not spend some time with the homeless to learn the etiquette of harassing people who actually work into giving you the money they have earned? No need to reinvent the wheel, and all that.

Love,

The Taxpayers


My prediction is that Congress will cave in to the auto industry lobbyists, and take care of their pals in Detroit (over the vehement objection of their constituents, who will be ignored, of course). And the result will be even worse than if they had done nothing, allowing the Big Three to continue in their mismanagement emboldened by the latest money-grab with no market consequence for their incompetence. And, as a bonus, it will also encourage further troughing by other catastrophizing private-jet-setting CEO panhandlers and other corporate-welfare bums.

Maybe we'll soon be seeing "tent cities" cropping up for down-on-their-luck executives (suburban subdivisions, oh the shame...) and taxpayer-supported "soup kitchens" serving second-rate vichyssoise, domestic caviar, and non-humidored Cohibas (for shame, for shame!) for the down-and-out CEO beggar. Why, it's a regular Wall Street version of Grapes of Wrath.

It's going to be a cold winter. Get those tax forms filled out ASAP, and please give generously!

Signs of the (hard, but also hopeful) Times

The well-heeled management of American Express, having run their business into the ground through bad investment and stupidity, want you and me to pay for their mistakes through their getting a piece of the bailout, as are all sorts of businesses lining up at the trough. Meanwhile, the executive bonuses continue to roll (I'm still waiting for my thank you card).

And, a good number of these "poor pitiful" corporations that are going to go out of business without the fleecing, I mean "bailout", can somehow afford to hire high-priced lobbyists to schmooze Congress for goodies. Great gig, huh? It sure beats making smart decisions and hiring competent people with integrity to run your company.

And thanks to the same mismanagement and incompetence in government, the U.S. may now lose its AAA credit rating and essentially go bankrupt. But not to worry, the Democrats are seeking to nationalize a share of the "big three" so the Federal government can run the car companies, control the means of production, and share the wealth. Why didn't we think of this sooner, Comrades. From each according to his ability...

But there is some good news. Not everybody is drinking the Kool-Aid. Here is an example of common sense (wow!) from an economist, and here is evidence that not all of our citizens are clueless either. There are signs that the people do not see the solution in borrowing and spending, but rather in thrift.

And here is an interesting list of things we can do to save money. Not all of these are applicable to everyone, but it's nice to see some discussion happening.

In spite of the hard times to come, there is indeed reason to be optimistic about the economy in the long run. It will not be big imperial government, tax and spend Democrats, borrow and spend Republicans, nor lobbyists and worthless executives that will bring this malaise to an end - but rather the common sense of the people being coaxed along by the real world and by the market.

I think this Saturday Night Live skit has it just right.

Maybe the banksters in New York and the crooks in Washington need to watch more SNL.

Meanwhile, any good recipes for Spam, anyone?

Fr. Hollywood Recommends...

...the movie Maxed Out, a 2006 documentary that exposes the effects of debt, both personal and national. It is particularly riveting given the recent events regarding the collapse of banks as a result of risky loan practices and sub-prime mortgage lending.

Young people especially need to be taught the danger inherent in getting into credit card debt.

In fact, you can watch this movie online on demand if you have Netflix.

The movie is both enlightening and disturbing. You will see meet some of our old friends in Congress, lobbyists for the banking industry, collection agents and owners of collection agencies, pawn brokers, families and individuals who have been destroyed by debt, as well as the nationally-known talk radio host Dave Ramsey, an advocate of taking personal responsibility, of getting out of debt, and avoiding bankruptcy.

Maxed Out received very high ratings from IMDb, and has been screened nationally by Americans for Fairness in Lending.

While I have to admit, I don't think government regulation is the answer, it is apparent that there are immoral predatory practices going on in which banks engage in policies that obviously sell Americans into a form of indentured servitude. We Americans need to wise up and save instead of going into debt. This will only happen if we start living beneath our means and stop filling our lives with junk that we charge to the credit card.

Please watch this movie, and if you know of any college students, have them watch it as well. The credit trap is not all that different than becoming hooked on crack or meth - with the exception that it is a legal addiction and the dealers and pushers are respected members of society.

This movie is a real eye opener.

Follow Up to Follow Up Visits

In news related to Jesse Jackson and other scams - especially the old "follow up visit" swindle...

We just took cat number five, Rex, in to be neutered - which is, at least for our feline friends, a rather minor operation (it did not even require any time in synodical or district politics). Not that it was cheap, but we were able to drop him off in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. He has two tiny incisions, and no sutures. The surgeon did a superlative job.

Rex came back home as happy and rambunctious as ever. We didn't even need to administer any of the painkilling meds they gave us. It has been three days since his surgery, and he's still doing great.

But here's the shakedown attempt: when we picked him up from the vet, the clerk said authoritatively: "We want to see him again in about ten days to make sure everything's okay. That would be Friday. How about [whatever] o'clock on Friday?"

Wow. That's some slick marketing. I'm trying to pay the bill and get my pet home, and she's selling me something I don't need - and not even posing it to me as an option or a question. Very slick!

Using a technique of "priestmanship," I countered: "Well, I'll have to check my schedule, can I call you back?" "Sure, no problem." I could have launched into a tirade about the "follow up scam," but since they still had my cat, and I still had not paid the tab - it was certainly best not to rock the boat - and certainly not until the deal had been completed. Besides, like I said, I wanted to get Rex home as soon as possible, and an extended debate over avaricious office policy would have benefited nobody.

The next day, the vet's office called us on the phone to check on Rex, and I told them he was doing great. They were happy to hear that, but there was no talk of foregoing the unscheduled "follow up visit" that was still supposed to be more than a week down the road. Interestingly, my receipt does indicate that I do, in fact, have an appointment for Friday of next week. I'll be sure to call them and tell them no follow up will be necessary - lest they try to hoist me on the "appointments must be cancelled within twenty four hours" petard.

To be a consumer these days, one needs to combine the calculation of a chess master, the thespianic prowess of a poker player, and the shrewdness of a Baton Rouge politician.

Now, obviously, if Rex were showing signs of infection, were not healing properly, or had any symptoms of a bad reaction to anesthesia, we would be bringing him back for another visit. But we were not born yesterday. Rex is the fifth male cat that we have had neutered. Not one previous time has the vet asked for a "follow up visit" to this minor procedure. This approach to customer service (wring every last buck you can out of the unsuspecting victim) has become so embedded into our way of thinking about health care and business dealings in general - that it is just assumed that we're going to bring back perfectly healthy animals (and humans) to get a cursory once-over combined with a not-so-cursory charge on the debit card.

Look, I wanted my cat neutered, not my bank account.

Pay Attention, Customers!

Check out the latest dirty trick the major food brands are doing to fool you into buying less for the same price. After reading this article, I did a little checking.

Why, those snakes in the grass!

The Hollywood freezer contains two packages of Breyer's ice cream. The older of the two is a 1.75 quarts (which was probably at one time half-gallon). The more recently purchased is 1.5 quarts - but the package has been cleverly designed to look exactly the same! The dimensions are identical - except that the smaller package is tapered toward the bottom.

The cads!

Maybe today's Latin expression should be "Caveat emptor!" ("Let the buyer beware!").

Better yet, "stick it to the man" by growing or making your own stuff.

"Follow up visits" are a scam

I remember my mother doing something really funny when I was maybe ten-years old or so.

At that time, we didn't have an HMO or a "co-payment." We simply went to the doctor and paid the bill. It was $30 for the office visit. More expensive stuff got handled by my dad's health insurance. You went to the doctor when you were sick, and you paid the bill. You didn't go to a "primary care physician" and get a "referral" and then burn gas at $4.00 a gallon driving all over hell's half acre. The doctor was in the neighborhood. There was very little paperwork involved.

Anyway, my mother - probably the most laid-back gentle person I have ever met, non-confrontational perhaps to a fault - had a bad cold or something. I don't remember the details, but it was something minor. The doctor gave her a prescription. When the pills ran out, she was still sick, and so she called to see if the doctor would call in a refill for her. He said that she would have to come in for a visit.

So, off she went. They weighed her, took her temperature, and the doctor looked into her throat, and guess what, he gave he a refill on the prescription. The doctor spent a couple minutes with her, I suppose to "confirm" that her throat still hurt. Oh yes, and the final extraction - the money from the wallet on the way out.

My sweet, kind mother who never criticized anyone, like most people I suppose, didn't like to feel scammed or taken advantage of. When the doctor decided to renew her scrip (as she had asked him to do in the first place), she asked "Why did you make me come in for that?" He stammered a little. My mother's reply was non-verbal (she re-enacted for me). She looked him in the eye, cocked her head a little, raised an eyebrow, elevated her right hand to about chest height, palm up, and rubbed her fingers back and forth against her thumb in a "money-grubbing" gesture.

Upon my mother's recounting of the tale, I was howling. This was so utterly out of character for my tiny and demur mother that it made me roar with laughter. My laughing made her laugh, and our gales of laughter only fed on one another to where neither of us could speak. With tears streaming down my face, I gasped: "Did you really do that?" She could only nod her head up and down through the tears. "Well, what did he say?" I sputtered. After managing to be able to speak again, she replied: "He just looked at me with his mouth hanging open." More gales of laughter.

I guess the doctor didn't like being "called out" - and from someone like my mother, well, that's the last thing he expected.

Today, a lot has changed in the medical business. We now have HMOs, huge insurance companies, and a bureaucracy that rivals the Pentagon. But one thing hasn't changed: it is still a business. And in any business, the more product you can move, the more money you make.

Take, for example, the instructions on the back of the shampoo bottle (the very fact of which makes about as much sense as having directions on the gas pump: "1. Remove nozzle from pump" - yes, thank you! - or the menu in braille at the drive-up ATM machine). They soberly exhort us to "rinse and repeat." Now, is this because we really need to lather up our hair a second time, or is it because if everyone were to do this, the company would increase its sales by 100%?

Well, anyway, a couple years ago, I had shingles - no, not the kind you put on the roof, but rather the leftover virus from a childhood case of chickenpox that sometimes manifests itself years later as sores. They were on my head, and it caused my entire cranium to throb mercilessly, like Fred Flintstone's thumb after an unfortunate meeting with a concrete mallet.

So, off to the doc I went. He diagnosed me right away and gave me a prescription. He told me there was well over a 90% chance that the pills would fix me up, and that I should start getting relief very quickly. He told me to make an appointment for a week down the road as a follow-up. OK. I don't go to the doctor very often, and I never had shingles. So I trust the guy.

Actually, I felt much better in a couple days. My shingles were nearly gone upon my "follow-up." But I follow the doctor's instructions, and show up. He spends about 15 seconds looking at my head. I tell him I feel better. Good. He shakes my hand. That's it! Well, not exactly. I had to make my way over to the window and pay my co-payment. Another co-payment. "Uh, shouldn't this be covered under the last co-payment? I mean, this is the same illness. I was just here last week." The reply: "It doesn't work that way." I see. "Rinse and repeat."

Fast forward to this week. Mrs. Hollywood had a "follow up" visit from her minor surgery a couple weeks ago. You would think I would have smelled a rat. But no. We go meekly to the doctor like lambs to the slaughter, because the doctor knows best.

But guess what? We didn't even see a doctor! Grace was weighed, her blood pressure checked, we waited in the hall, and saw a nurse. The nurse asked how Grace was doing, had a very quick look at her. Mostly, she just asked Grace if she felt OK, and scribbled her responses in a pad. That was it. Off we went to the window again, and were asked for another thirty bucks. I pictured my mother rubbing her forefingers and thumb back and forth together, only this time, I wasn't laughing.

"Um, why isn't this covered under our last co-pay?" I asked. And this was the clerk's answer (no lie!): "Because it's not on the global." The woman looked me in the eye and said: "It's not on the global." I wanted to say: "Look, lady, it most certainly is on the global, if you bring me a globe, I can pinpoint precisely where this shakedown happened right down to the latitude and longitude." But, I avoided the giving voice to my thoughts (another benefit of the clerical collar - it forces me to behave) - so I just stood there looking bewildered, handing over my debit card for my fleecing.

Of course, Grace knew exactly what I was thinking (one of the benefits of brainsharing) and we both knew this was another "rinse and repeat."

Well, there is to be no repeat.

As the CEO of the Hollywood Family, I have enacted a new family medical policy: "No follow-up visits." Any exceptions to this policy must be based on reason, not flimflam and not an appeal to "the global" or any other bureaucratese.

Yesterday, we got a chance to enact the New Policy. We took one of our five feline members of the family, our only girl "Athena" to the vet. She has been vomiting lately, and has lost some hair. We don't think it's anything serious (and she has been improving over the last couple days), but just to be sure...

We had her examined and ran a couple of tests (we should have the results tomorrow). Medical care, even for animals, isn't cheap. But it is part of the responsibility that comes with being a pet owner. We were given some pills to give Athena for nausea (and I'm happy to report she has not thrown up in two days, and we have not had to give her any meds).

After the doctor left, the nurse/technician came back into the little room. She said: "We need to make a follow-up appointment for two weeks from now." Mrs. Hollywood and I were laughing together by mental telepathy. And entire non-verbal conversation happened in the span of milliseconds. I asked the nurse: "Um, why is it that we need to bring her back in two weeks?" "Well," came the reply, the nurse stammered like a telemarketer who has been bumped off script: "we want to check to see if she's vomiting or anything." "Oh, okay," we replied, nodding obediently. Of course, the real communication happening via brainwave had the words: "cold" and "day" and "hell" in them. The only way they will know if she's vomiting is if they ask us. They want us to pay so they can ask us a question.

If Athena's tests come back clean, and if she is no longer throwing up, why, why, why on God's green earth should we burn gasoline at the rate of $4 a gallon, take time away from my work, only to have someone take Athena's temperature, ask us if she's throwing up, and then get paid another office visit fee? I mean, if she is not feeling better, we'll come back. But if she is better, it's just a shakedown.

And yes, I know there are exceptions. There are always exceptions. But once again, in the "good old days," you stopped going back to the doctor when you felt better. When I get my brake pads changed on my car, I don't have to come back in two weeks and pay them another thirty bucks to make sure it's working. And I would say brake pads are pretty important.

No, indeed. My mom had it right. The medical business is a business - even with the best doctors. The doctors are themselves locked into a bureaucratic system, a world of forms and fine print, of legalese and bureaucratese, an Alice in Wonderland world where "because it's not on the global" is an acceptable answer to a question asked by someone who hasn't a clue what a "global" is. There are a lot of fingers in the pie, and every finger wants a cut. What used to cost thirty dollars is now a "co-pay" of thirty dollars at least twice - not counting the hundreds of dollars that are billed, largely unseen by the customer, to the insurance company, who passes along the costs to our employers, who then must pass that back along to us in reduced salaries owing to spiraling insurance costs.

"Rinse and repeat."